Dollars

Listening to Aloe Blacc's "I need dollar" this morning made me think of all the families out there struggling to meet their needs. Although we struggle, there is no doubt that food will be on the table, that we will have the things we need (and I differentiate between need and want).

What about the people that are spiralling into debt? For the average person, even defaulting on rent for a few months will create a debt cycle that can take years to get out of. With Christmas coming up it makes me feel so, so sad for these people and their families: in Greece, Ireland, Iceland, America...

What will it take for us to see the absurdity of the system? Because if we did all "share our dollars" like in the song, there would be no problem. The world has more than enough dollars to feed, house, clothe everyone and more, and that thought is perhaps the saddest of all.

A very personal trauma

A close friend has just given birth to her second child, and it brings up all sorts of emotions for me.The birth of my second was long and hard, at home but not the 'nicety-nice' type of home-birth, more the blood sweat and tears version.

Post-partum was worse. Much of it was spent re-living what I had perceived as a difficult labour, we had no family support in the country, and our eldest was going through a very difficult stage. To top it all off #2 was a crier for the first 3 months.

I spent most of the time with a crying child on each knee, dying inside. Or locked into my room with the newborn, a cabinet wedged against the door, my elder son hammering on it, smashing things, urinating on the carpet, biting us.

Looking at it from a distance, it was the portal into greater self knowledge, as only trauma can be: I went over the things that triggered my unease with an analyst who I found after a period of depression, and it was a great thing to do.

So as I imagine my friend right now, in hospital, with her tiny baby, not knowing how the next few weeks and months will be, I want to make them all better for her. I want to support her and prevent her from suffering and be there for her like no-one was for me.

Yet even if her experience proves to be difficult, and there's no saying it will, how could I protect her? And, would I even want to? Isn't the trauma also part of the spectrum of life, as important as the euphoria? Wouldn't I be doing her out of a learning process if I did manage to make it "all better"?

I also in some weird way want to relive those first few months of 2nd time motherhood, make them good, make them OK. I subconsciously want to live vicariously through her, this time doing all the right things. For some time after the birth I would imagine having a 3rd child just to do it "well", imagining how I would prepare better, how I wouldn't let it phase me, how I would be better this time.

It is no exaggeration to say that how a woman experiences childbirth is of utmost importance- it brings together her past (what she brings to to the birth psychologically) her present (how she perceives and experiences the event) and her future (the new life, how it fits onto the great river of life, does it help her bob along, does it drown her).

I hope I can strike the balance between supporting my friend without being overbearing, without injecting my experience into it. My stomach knots at the thought of what she may go through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I must have faith in her and hope. A difficult balance.

Spiritual Parenting

Becoming a parent was a huge part of my spiritual journey. A sudden openness to the universe, an awareness of being, and a sense of the unexplained, of the magical nature of things that I wasn't in touch with before. It started with a very natural and goddess-like birthing experience with my first child, and while the birth of my second child was more difficult and followed by a period of depression, it proved to be the "portal" into deeper self knowledge.

By 'chance' I discovered Louise L. Hay, and my eyes opened to the way that how we think and talk influences our world and our reality. I have also since been greatly influenced by Eckhart Tolle's work on living in the present, in the now.

I think that the skills and ideas proposed by both these teachers are very relevant to parenting. Spiritual practice with one's family and children is essential and the hardest and therefore most useful work. However, barring a small chapter in Tolle's second book, there is a definite lack of spiritual literature aimed at parents, a fact I find strange considering that the vast majority of adults are parents!

Affirmations, like Louise L. Hay talks about, are the perfect support for a difficult days parenting. Your child frustrates and annoys you, and instead of thinking "He's so annoying, he does this just to annoy me, I can't stand this, I am a terrible parent" (which just gets you more of the same), inside you affirm "All is well, all is working out for our higher good. I am a kind and loving parent, I am doing my best. All is well".

Affirmations can also be useful to deal with the negative feelings we all feel about our children. All parents think things like "I hate her, I just want to get away from her" in our darkest moments, but why create more negativity when you could replace those negative streams of thought with "This child is loved, I accept her just the way she is, all is well".

Living in the now, as Eckhart Tolle's books suggest, is also a very useful parenting skill. Babies live from moment to moment. Penelope Leach describes a babies day as a collection of hundreds of little moments. They have no real memory thoughts about past or future, they simply are in the present. It is useful to be present with a baby, observing and naming the immediate world around them, which is their present experience. Example "Your lying on the rug, it feels soft doesn't it, look at that light, and the shade. Feel the bark of this tree, it's rough, the sun is warm" etc. Or even just to be in contemplative and observant silence.

Its also very relevant to children. We cannot be with our children every second every minute, but when we are they deserve our full attention and emotional light. How else to give this but by being, really being, present?

A good way of interacting with younger children, especially if they are having emotional or behavioural difficulties is to set aside 15 mins of time every day, let them choose a game or toy and then focus wholly on the game. The idea is that they lead and you follow and comment on it, but no opinions, no questions, just let them be the focus. You might say something like "I see you've chosen the red car, ah now your putting it at the top of the ramp, down it goes. Now you have the blue one, also at the top, down it goes too, wheee". No comment, no evaluation, no questioning, just being. It make the child feel your emotional energy and works miracles.

Some say that the best spiritual practice are our relationships: children , partners, parents, colleagues. I couldn't agree more. It's all good being kind to strangers or the companions in your yoga class, but the people who are most difficult and also the most in need of our light are those closest to us. Many times the best thing we can do is give our attention, our emotional energy, really "see" and "hear" the person, let them be. Navigating these relationships with openness, respect and being spirituality present is key in one's journey, and to growth and enlightenment.

Practical in Pink

Hurrah for the anti-pink campaign. As it seems we live in a world where theonly way to get some common sense IN SPITE of advertisers and marketing people is to create campaigns against the things they do, they have my total support.

At the end of the day though, its all good and well talking about what toys we expose kids to, but the real decider is what they see around them... humans must be hardwired to know their sex faily early on and imitate accordingly most of the time. Most of the people we see driving cars and trains are men, most people pushing prams and cleaning are women. Y punto.

Apart from that I think we very subtly ascribe roles to them from early on... boys to be strong and active, girls to be more cautious as well as socially and emotionally responsive. Even the most "right on" parents do this, its totally subconcious. And of course not just parents but every single person that comes in contact with the baby and child... in the street, family, then teachers etc... "hola campeon", "hola princesa"...any wonder that by the time they are 4 most of them are gagging for a football strip or cindarella dress??

My last point is this though... I know I inwardly balk at girls with a baby and pram obsession, their little matching pink broom and mops... but I dont ridicule little boys with their elaborate train collections and garage full of scooters and bikes...it makes me realise that even I, a so called femenist and total supporter of raising your own kids and breastfeeding etc, probably still undervalue childcare and domestic work which is half the problem in the first place. Maybe the day that we see a girl, or boy, pushing a pram and we respect it as much as the train enthusiast or scooter racer, again girl or boy, next to them will we be on our way to equality.

So, fight pinkification we must, even if we do it wearing a touch of rose.

Refs: (http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2009/dec/12/pinkstinks-the-power-of-pink)(http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2011/may/09/pink-toys-girls-passive-princesses)

Bitter irony, sweet truth

The bitter irony, the sweet truth is that you just don't see things the same after you have had kids.
Obvious to those who have, patronising to those who haven't, yet true.

This is not to say that childless people don't have insight, there are some extremely intuitive people in the world without children. Of course, not all people with children are either wise or intuitive. But, in general at some point after bearing children, there come a light-bulb moment and you think, "oh, THIS is what its all about...!".

Being of the annoyingly hard-to-describe variety of life changing events, if only for the sheer depth and magnimity of it, parenthood is left at that: "life changing". I guess that for those who haven't ventured it seems a totally flimsy, at best obvious and at worst totally self centred phrase: of course parenthood is life changing, caring for someone 24 hours a day, spending the money now spent on leisure on childcare and baby stuff is hard.

But, if that were all the changes becoming a parent encompass, then it would be inconvenient, but not life changing.

Becoming a parent means that a curtain literally lifts on your conciousness: the realities of life seem all too obvious when before they were obscured. The meaning of life itself is revealed, and this unifies you with all humankind, with every other parent on the planet. War seems crazy and inhuman in a whole different way: when you hear 'collateral damage' you know its not just faceless people, it is newborns, mothers in labour, pregnant women, children taking their first steps and learning to read that are killed. Repugnant on a whole other level.

It also connects you with all those that have come before, an ever marching, overwhelming ancestral line of humans. Being born: the thing we share with all humankind. It connects you with the future: there it is, your continuing DNA, another generation of it at least.

Personally I also felt connected to all female mammals (I'm sure having a 'mamalian' natural birth had a lot to do with this), of birthing, then suckling and tending my fragile young.

Sexual stereotypes start to clarify and ring true (to varying degrees depending on the couple). It becomes overwhelmingly obvious how a women can become enmeshed, enslaved, literally bogged down by the task of mothering and all the connected caring that can be snared along with it.

For me, as a woman the real essence, meaning and work of "woman" was disclosed. A woman's body, made for this- not made just to please oneself, ones partner or the world at large, but to carry child. A woman's feelings: the bodily cravings for the baby you have birthed and sustain, again an animal instinct. Surely, this must be what it is to be "woman".

Edges become rounder, hard hearts become soft: a parents heart is forever on their sleeve, or tugging at it. Pride is numbed and humbled, the ego becomes secondary to the frighteningly urgent and basic needs of your offspring. Vanity becomes less important and even the most narcissistic of people drop their standards with parenthood, if ever so slightly.

Another, harder thing: in this new world order, where things are understood with more clarity, you suddenly become aware that up until now you were almost not living. There is this crazy sense that now it has begun, now it has started, that now I see clearly. the conscious fallout of this is a sense of heightened creativity, the world is at our fingertips, there is just SO MUCH to do.

Ironically, being a parent especially of babies or young children, you are at the very worst point you can be to realise these things - time poor and sleep deprived you invent businesses, write articles, make lists and inventions and ideas as you push the pram, put baby to sleep or clear up after another long day.

That's the bitter irony, the sweet truth is that at the end of the day, it can wait.

Greek Lamentality

A friend of mine went to Greece last year, and when he came back he said he hadn't seen any evidence of the "crisis", as they call it. He told me that the people he had asked (friends of an elite Greek mutual friend he was staying with) about the economic crisis had replied "It's not us that's poor, it's the government." (Presumably whilst sipping their 7 euro Freduccino in Plaka or Scoffing lobster spaghetti on some beach in Mykonos.)

It's a sad but true example of one of the reasons Greece is in such a mess. Snobbery. Greeks are some of the absolute worst snobs I know, and I have lived in the UK. While in other countries it may be acceptable, or even cool, to wear for example 2nd hand clothes, for the vast majority in Greece it is literally anathema. Admitting to not having money is never ever allowed, and the competition to wear "markes" (brands) is outstanding, and starts at a very young age. This meant that in the late 90s, when the age of credit and borrowing hit Greece, Greeks lapped it up. A society that once passed on its wealth through property began to borrow at a phenomenal rate; new cars, second homes, travelling abroad, and, of course, long summers with the ubiquitous range of designer clothes, bags, and sunglasses.

The willingness to spend, spend, spend could be seen in another light. It is this very "carpe diem" or "joy-de-vive" (I can't think of a Greek way of saying it!) that lends Greece it's charm. It's something hellenophiles have fallen for for centuries: the feeling of promise, that everything is possible, that tomorrow doesn't matter and that the wine will flow without end.

Well, unfortunately the wine has stopped flowing. It is in times like these you would expect such a family based and seemingly proud nation to gather together and face the economic winter.

But society has become more and more fragmented; the people don't trust the government, the government have ceased to represent the people. The responibles at the top have not faced any of the corruption or overspending accusations, no heads have rolled.

There is another unsaid issue too, which is the unwillingness of most people to admit that everyone is responsible, not just the government, that each person has had their part to play. After all, if the government have overspent and cant pay it back, so have the people. If the government have been corrupt, so have the people.

Corruption is absolutely endemic to the population. It is not something just the rich do, or just the private sector. When my yaya goes to get her cataracts done on the public health service, she has to "oil" the doctor with 250 euros. This is a PUBLIC doctor in PUBLIC hospital. If she doesn't, she may end up with the trainee operating on her, which at worst could cost her her sight, like the uncle of a friend of mine who refused. When my Albanian friend went to give birth, she had to oil the (half Albanian, so not a racist issue) doctor 800 euros. That's probably at least 2 months wages for her and her family, who live on absolute pittance, being Albanian and all (don't let me go off on that rant!).

Everyone avoids tax when they can, and the richer you are the easier it is. A well known private doctor was in the papers recently for tax evasion: he had declared his earnings as 10,000 euros per year. He earned probably more than 10 times that amount. Cash in hand rules, if you ask for a receipt, you are scowled at.

So, yes, the rich can afford to think the crisis doesn't affect them for the moment: they have grown fat off tax evasion and easy work from their uncles. But as Greece gets poorer, as people get more desperate, can they avoid the notion that they too may be sinking with the ship, or will they be like the rats they are and leave?


Disclaimer: I am Greek, so I am allowed to criticise!

The F word

A vital yet loaded question for every woman - am I a feminist? To answer one must first understand what feminism was and is, and then what it means to each of us.

While my mum's generation fought for communal childcare and equality in and out of the home, a generation of young women growing up in the 90s experienced a very different story. It entailed a faux-feminism which started as the power hungry business woman in the late 80s, who had graduated to pole-dancing (stripping, burlesque, whatever you want to call it) classes as her exercise of choice by the 2000s.

This idea of feminism was based around sexual liberation, money and power. I would say that these traits say more about women "playing men at their own game" than women gaining equal pay, equal rights and equal respect.

Of course, the rise of capitalism convinced us that a high powered, high paid job was the ultimate goal. Girls have consistently done better and better in school, showing us that we really can do anything, even succeed in university and the workplace, even do (gasp) better than men. Interestingly enough, although women outstrip men in terms of academic achievement at all levels including higher education, we still receive lower relative pay rates across the board and are sorely under-represented in positions of power.

At the same time we have been battered with over-sexualised body images, peddled hair extensions and false nails, expected to look stunning while having a top-notch career and leave the baby with the nanny so we can keep up with the boys drinks after hours, or work late to get that leg up to a better paid position. Not my idea of equality.

So what does it mean?

If you'd have asked me if I was a femenist as a teenager I would have answered 'yes': I was strong, bolshy, unafraid of my sexuality, unafraid of what men thought. I donned my ladette costume with the rest and slept around. I idolised feisty women, sexy women, who kicked ass, female rappers mostly.

Or is it that to be a feminist you must actively 'not care' about your appearance, shun the mirror and the tweezers, no hair removal, no dolling up to 'please men' (or the male gaze, at least).

Or is it that being a feminist you must you rush back to work a few weeks after having a baby to prove that 'nothing has changed' and you are still eligeable for that promotion?

All these attitudes have the same message between the lines: work really hard at being a little man and you will be equal.

In the first instance we have the issue of women and sexuality, the being-a-little-man syndrome at its most depressive, oppressive and manipulative. As if simply having sex 'like men' (i.e easy and plenty) makes women free. More openness about sex and sexuality is needed, but that doesn't mean just casual sex, it means discussion about all aspects of sex, and by the way men need this as sorely as women. The degradation of one sex (female) naturally leads to the pain and degradation of the other (male). As members of the same species, we are intertwined.

Then we have the next hot feminist topic: women and appearance. The opinion, and I'm sad to say shared by many third-wave feminists, is that to be equal you must not care about your appearance. Ok, so on one hand constantly fawning to men (I.e. wearing 'provocative' sexy clothing and make-up all the time) is missing the point, but clothing and personal image are key in our culture- to men and women. There is not a culture in the world where grooming one's appearance in one way or another is absent. It is part of cultural play and variety and to say that a women who plucks her eyebrows, wears make-up or enjoys experimenting with her clothes is anti-feminist is simply rubbish. Women and men want to celebrate, enjoy and flaunt their bodies, faces, hair (or lack of) and this should be embraced. When it becomes an obsession, when it becomes geared by capitalism, when it becomes a way to control women (or men) then it is an issue to be addressed, but not before.

The next important issue: women and work. The message remains that to excel at a "good" career she must return to work as soon as possible, looking fabulous, bottle-feed the baby, and then not moan about the kids or have too many sick days. The message is: successfully navigate yourself in a man's world and you will be a successful women.

The range of issues where feminism (or sexism) is relevant to our lives goes on and on: women and birth, women and breastfeeding, women and surgery, women and porn. There is not an aspect of modern social life that doesn't reflect how this world is very much a man's world. Our choice is then to fit in and navigate what we have as best we can (to me not feminism) or try to change some aspects of it so it dutifully reflects the needs of its "second" sex.

We live in a society which is predominantly created by (for) white, able bodied, heterosexual men. It follows suit that anyone falling outside of these categories can and should be addressing their cause. I am a woman, therefore feminism interests me, if I were black (or non-white) I should be addressing racial inequality, if I were disabled I should be addressing the social issues I faced, and if I were anything but heterosexual, the prejudiced brought to me would be my cause.

One of the scary things is that we have got to the point now that even talking about feminism must go with the line "I'm not some kind of man-hater", as if, even the mere talk of women's rights and we have to apologise in advance! Why girls? Is it not attractive to want equality? Is it only attractive to be strong while dancing around a pole and not protesting around one? And why, by the way, do we think that men are that stupid that they would find us unattractive for standing up for ourselves? Is there a double edged sword there- we dare not assert ourselves in case of offending the poor little men-folk, I mean come on, lets give men a bit more credability!

Sometimes I think the biggest obstacle to feminism is women. By blaming society, or men (who in fact are our biggest allies!) or nature, or history, we give our power away.

In life, you must first understand what it is you really need, and then ask for it. What happens next, what the other person does with that information is another thing. But if we can't even ask in the first place...

I ask him to do more housework, when what I really want is to be recognised and appreciated more. He does as I ask, but my real need is still unmet and I feel lost and angry. I ask the government for longer maternity leave when what I really want is the possibility to return to work part time and have my baby in a creche in the building so I can feed her every 2 hours. The government gives me my maternity leave, but my real need is unmet and when I have to return to work after the extended period I feel lost and angry.

Feminism starts with each woman: what she asks for in the home, in her friendships, in her community, in her family. What she expects, what she dreams of, and having the nerve and words to voice this and to be optimistic and bold in the claims she stakes.

To me, just being successful in a man's world is so far from the point of feminism that it conveniently takes all of our eyes off the real issues faced by women and girls every day: access to work and appropriate pay, freedom of appearance, equality in education, birthing rights, division of domestic chores and childcare, being taken seriously while driving, while directing a company and while raising our children. To be a woman is to be a feminist by default, even if we don't realise it at the time.