Have you ever been in a situation where you and a close friend ‘do’ some aspect of parenting differently?
How did you deal with it? Did you keep your mouth shut and silently chastise yourself for not being able to calmly, maturely put your side of the argument over without it becoming just that?
Or did you calmly and maturely put your side across without it becoming an argument but afterwards a) agonize about whether you offended your friend (was I too opinionated? Did I make her feel bad?!) or b) Feel like you yourself have been doing the wrong thing and are therefore a bad mother.
Have you ever talked in depth about a parenting issue with one friend, knowing that another mutual friend does the opposite to the two of you, and then felt terrible, just terrible, when seeing your beloved first friend?
My answers (and I’m guessing, yours) are yes, yes, yes and yes!
Parenting is such a personal thing it verges on ideology. Sometimes we are making different choices to our own parents, or to society at large and this means that our choices are backed up by reading, solid research and a fist-full ‘o’ facts’. Our choice becomes our position, our ‘thing’, part of our identity.
The facts are our ammunition, our defence against all those people (or companies) who would convert us to bottle feed/to breastfeed, to vaccinate/to not vaccinate, to make fresh baby food/to buy jars, to use washable nappies/to save time and an already overloaded laundry basket and harm the planet and use disposables (delete as appropriate).
We justify our choice many times by putting the other choice as ‘wrong’. But what if the other choice is being made by someone you love and respect? What if while lining up all those other ‘haters’ your best friend slips in? Hands up you cruel ferberising maniacs! Oh, sorry mate, not you, obviously…
I once heard someone say “each family is its own culture” and I couldn’t agree more. There may be overlap with others, and if we are lucky even overlap with friends and family, but one thing is for sure- there will be differences.
So what ever happened to respecting difference? Or not just respecting, but enjoying, even revelling in difference?
This means listening non-judgmentally (hard), discussing while not preaching (harder) and actually beginning to enjoy that we do things differently, enjoy that there is conversation, information, being flexible and open to change if it seems right, while not feeling either self righteous or guilty if we carry on just as we are.
I think an important part of being parents is working on accepting that probably every method of childrearing is at once both right and wrong, and that not one of us will do things perfectly, no matter how many facts we own. In the long run, our mistakes as well as our triumphs become part of who we are as people, as parents.
Let’s admit that, at times, we are all scared witless by this insane task and have no idea what we are doing. And, as the old saying goes- wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same?
Friday, 10 February 2012
Monday, 30 January 2012
Accepting ourselves, accepting our kids
Many times as parents we are reminded just what a huuuuge responsibility being a parent is, and how muuuuch we influence our children's lives (duh). For many of us, this causes us to reflect a lot on how we want to be as parents, and how we want to be as people. We choose "a way", a parenting "style", we read books, attend classes, have debates with like (and not so like ) minded parents, write articles and blogs about it (!).
Many times we make parenting a way of life.
Then comes the day when your child doesn't do what you want them to do. The fuss, scream, have tantrums, give up piano lessons, swear at you, break your stuff, refuse your organic food, and eventually become chavs or bankers... where did I go wrong, we ask? You were supposed to become a vegetarian, flute-playing, pacifist carpenter? And you, you were supposed to be a ground-breaking, documentary activist, changing the world! I cooked you organic food, paid through the nose for an alternative education, I breast fed you until you were 3, co-slept with you for 9 years, damnit!
The "investment" of rearing children is huge. Aside from the financial aspect we jeopardise our relationships, careers, and irreversibly change (I prefer that word to "ruin") our bodies. What would that all be for if we didn't get something back?
We invest all we can and we expect rewards: well balanced, HAPPY, healthy, emotionally aware, ethical, environmental, peaceful, creative children... WOAH. What a burden.
But the eventual truth of parenting is that you may never get something back, and that you just have to swallow. They may never say thank-you.
It could be more useful to focus what we can give to each child at a particular time, not martyre ourselves against our kids and then take it out on them emotionally when they don't live up to whatever standards we have outlined. So if you can manage organic food and giving them 5-a-day this week, great. If it's beans on toast and a vitamin, that's fine too. If you can afford an expensive school right now and you like it, do it. If you can't, don't re-mortgage your house to do so, in the long run (measured by parental stress) it's simply not worth it.
It takes children to humble what many of us see as success or failure. With my first child I did everything "right": I did pregnancy yoga, ate right, had a homebirth, co-slept, breastfed... and had a fat, happy little baby that I carried around in a sling all day, thinking - clever me!
With number 2 I also birthed at home, carried in a sling, breastfed on demand, co-slept and she cried to high hell for the first 3 months. It brought me down a peg or two, and helped me to see that what we do (be it co-sleeping or paying for an expensive education) has to come from a desire to do it because you can, and should be independent of the end result (a quiet baby, an outstanding career).
It's called accepting ourselves as parents, out limitations, letting go of those ideas of perfection, and accepting our kids too, be they carpenters, chavs, documentary makers or bankers.
Many times we make parenting a way of life.
Then comes the day when your child doesn't do what you want them to do. The fuss, scream, have tantrums, give up piano lessons, swear at you, break your stuff, refuse your organic food, and eventually become chavs or bankers... where did I go wrong, we ask? You were supposed to become a vegetarian, flute-playing, pacifist carpenter? And you, you were supposed to be a ground-breaking, documentary activist, changing the world! I cooked you organic food, paid through the nose for an alternative education, I breast fed you until you were 3, co-slept with you for 9 years, damnit!
The "investment" of rearing children is huge. Aside from the financial aspect we jeopardise our relationships, careers, and irreversibly change (I prefer that word to "ruin") our bodies. What would that all be for if we didn't get something back?
We invest all we can and we expect rewards: well balanced, HAPPY, healthy, emotionally aware, ethical, environmental, peaceful, creative children... WOAH. What a burden.
But the eventual truth of parenting is that you may never get something back, and that you just have to swallow. They may never say thank-you.
It could be more useful to focus what we can give to each child at a particular time, not martyre ourselves against our kids and then take it out on them emotionally when they don't live up to whatever standards we have outlined. So if you can manage organic food and giving them 5-a-day this week, great. If it's beans on toast and a vitamin, that's fine too. If you can afford an expensive school right now and you like it, do it. If you can't, don't re-mortgage your house to do so, in the long run (measured by parental stress) it's simply not worth it.
It takes children to humble what many of us see as success or failure. With my first child I did everything "right": I did pregnancy yoga, ate right, had a homebirth, co-slept, breastfed... and had a fat, happy little baby that I carried around in a sling all day, thinking - clever me!
With number 2 I also birthed at home, carried in a sling, breastfed on demand, co-slept and she cried to high hell for the first 3 months. It brought me down a peg or two, and helped me to see that what we do (be it co-sleeping or paying for an expensive education) has to come from a desire to do it because you can, and should be independent of the end result (a quiet baby, an outstanding career).
It's called accepting ourselves as parents, out limitations, letting go of those ideas of perfection, and accepting our kids too, be they carpenters, chavs, documentary makers or bankers.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Kairos and Chronos
I learned something new this week, and relevant to my Greek heritage so it has added interest. The ancient Greeks had two different words (and concepts) of time: chronos and kairos.
Chronos is the sequential, clock time that we all know; the clock ticks, the months pass, we grow, age, die.
Kairos (beautiful name, have to save it for number 3!) means a moment between time, a sacred inspiration, a moment out of a moment, spiritual enlightenment, a pure other-worldly fragment, being firmly in the now.
Chronos: kairos.
Quantity: quality.
Past and future: the present.
Body: spirit.
Doing: being.
While chronos is a necessity, a fact and a reality, kairos must not be forgotten. Kairos is the moment you stop and look, see the colour of light or taste the year's first strawberry, slip into a crisp sea, notice a raspberry-hued cloud bank on the horizon, hear your child chuckle, feel that "all is well". Kairos makes chronos a joy, life worth living.
I'm happy to have the words to express something I already knew.
Chronos is the sequential, clock time that we all know; the clock ticks, the months pass, we grow, age, die.
Kairos (beautiful name, have to save it for number 3!) means a moment between time, a sacred inspiration, a moment out of a moment, spiritual enlightenment, a pure other-worldly fragment, being firmly in the now.
Chronos: kairos.
Quantity: quality.
Past and future: the present.
Body: spirit.
Doing: being.
While chronos is a necessity, a fact and a reality, kairos must not be forgotten. Kairos is the moment you stop and look, see the colour of light or taste the year's first strawberry, slip into a crisp sea, notice a raspberry-hued cloud bank on the horizon, hear your child chuckle, feel that "all is well". Kairos makes chronos a joy, life worth living.
I'm happy to have the words to express something I already knew.
Friday, 25 November 2011
Dollars
Listening to Aloe Blacc's "I need dollar" this morning made me think of all the families out there struggling to meet their needs. Although we struggle, there is no doubt that food will be on the table, that we will have the things we need (and I differentiate between need and want).
What about the people that are spiralling into debt? For the average person, even defaulting on rent for a few months will create a debt cycle that can take years to get out of. With Christmas coming up it makes me feel so, so sad for these people and their families: in Greece, Ireland, Iceland, America...
What will it take for us to see the absurdity of the system? Because if we did all "share our dollars" like in the song, there would be no problem. The world has more than enough dollars to feed, house, clothe everyone and more, and that thought is perhaps the saddest of all.
What about the people that are spiralling into debt? For the average person, even defaulting on rent for a few months will create a debt cycle that can take years to get out of. With Christmas coming up it makes me feel so, so sad for these people and their families: in Greece, Ireland, Iceland, America...
What will it take for us to see the absurdity of the system? Because if we did all "share our dollars" like in the song, there would be no problem. The world has more than enough dollars to feed, house, clothe everyone and more, and that thought is perhaps the saddest of all.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
A very personal trauma
A close friend has just given birth to her second child, and it brings up all sorts of emotions for me.The birth of my second was long and hard, at home but not the 'nicety-nice' type of home-birth, more the blood sweat and tears version.
Post-partum was worse. Much of it was spent re-living what I had perceived as a difficult labour, we had no family support in the country, and our eldest was going through a very difficult stage. To top it all off #2 was a crier for the first 3 months.
I spent most of the time with a crying child on each knee, dying inside. Or locked into my room with the newborn, a cabinet wedged against the door, my elder son hammering on it, smashing things, urinating on the carpet, biting us.
Looking at it from a distance, it was the portal into greater self knowledge, as only trauma can be: I went over the things that triggered my unease with an analyst who I found after a period of depression, and it was a great thing to do.
So as I imagine my friend right now, in hospital, with her tiny baby, not knowing how the next few weeks and months will be, I want to make them all better for her. I want to support her and prevent her from suffering and be there for her like no-one was for me.
Yet even if her experience proves to be difficult, and there's no saying it will, how could I protect her? And, would I even want to? Isn't the trauma also part of the spectrum of life, as important as the euphoria? Wouldn't I be doing her out of a learning process if I did manage to make it "all better"?
I also in some weird way want to relive those first few months of 2nd time motherhood, make them good, make them OK. I subconsciously want to live vicariously through her, this time doing all the right things. For some time after the birth I would imagine having a 3rd child just to do it "well", imagining how I would prepare better, how I wouldn't let it phase me, how I would be better this time.
It is no exaggeration to say that how a woman experiences childbirth is of utmost importance- it brings together her past (what she brings to to the birth psychologically) her present (how she perceives and experiences the event) and her future (the new life, how it fits onto the great river of life, does it help her bob along, does it drown her).
I hope I can strike the balance between supporting my friend without being overbearing, without injecting my experience into it. My stomach knots at the thought of what she may go through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I must have faith in her and hope. A difficult balance.
Post-partum was worse. Much of it was spent re-living what I had perceived as a difficult labour, we had no family support in the country, and our eldest was going through a very difficult stage. To top it all off #2 was a crier for the first 3 months.
I spent most of the time with a crying child on each knee, dying inside. Or locked into my room with the newborn, a cabinet wedged against the door, my elder son hammering on it, smashing things, urinating on the carpet, biting us.
Looking at it from a distance, it was the portal into greater self knowledge, as only trauma can be: I went over the things that triggered my unease with an analyst who I found after a period of depression, and it was a great thing to do.
So as I imagine my friend right now, in hospital, with her tiny baby, not knowing how the next few weeks and months will be, I want to make them all better for her. I want to support her and prevent her from suffering and be there for her like no-one was for me.
Yet even if her experience proves to be difficult, and there's no saying it will, how could I protect her? And, would I even want to? Isn't the trauma also part of the spectrum of life, as important as the euphoria? Wouldn't I be doing her out of a learning process if I did manage to make it "all better"?
I also in some weird way want to relive those first few months of 2nd time motherhood, make them good, make them OK. I subconsciously want to live vicariously through her, this time doing all the right things. For some time after the birth I would imagine having a 3rd child just to do it "well", imagining how I would prepare better, how I wouldn't let it phase me, how I would be better this time.
It is no exaggeration to say that how a woman experiences childbirth is of utmost importance- it brings together her past (what she brings to to the birth psychologically) her present (how she perceives and experiences the event) and her future (the new life, how it fits onto the great river of life, does it help her bob along, does it drown her).
I hope I can strike the balance between supporting my friend without being overbearing, without injecting my experience into it. My stomach knots at the thought of what she may go through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I must have faith in her and hope. A difficult balance.
Monday, 14 November 2011
Spiritual Parenting
Becoming a parent was a huge part of my spiritual journey. A sudden openness to the universe, an awareness of being, and a sense of the unexplained, of the magical nature of things that I wasn't in touch with before. It started with a very natural and goddess-like birthing experience with my first child, and while the birth of my second child was more difficult and followed by a period of depression, it proved to be the "portal" into deeper self knowledge.
By 'chance' I discovered Louise L. Hay, and my eyes opened to the way that how we think and talk influences our world and our reality. I have also since been greatly influenced by Eckhart Tolle's work on living in the present, in the now.
I think that the skills and ideas proposed by both these teachers are very relevant to parenting. Spiritual practice with one's family and children is essential and the hardest and therefore most useful work. However, barring a small chapter in Tolle's second book, there is a definite lack of spiritual literature aimed at parents, a fact I find strange considering that the vast majority of adults are parents!
Affirmations, like Louise L. Hay talks about, are the perfect support for a difficult days parenting. Your child frustrates and annoys you, and instead of thinking "He's so annoying, he does this just to annoy me, I can't stand this, I am a terrible parent" (which just gets you more of the same), inside you affirm "All is well, all is working out for our higher good. I am a kind and loving parent, I am doing my best. All is well".
Affirmations can also be useful to deal with the negative feelings we all feel about our children. All parents think things like "I hate her, I just want to get away from her" in our darkest moments, but why create more negativity when you could replace those negative streams of thought with "This child is loved, I accept her just the way she is, all is well".
Living in the now, as Eckhart Tolle's books suggest, is also a very useful parenting skill. Babies live from moment to moment. Penelope Leach describes a babies day as a collection of hundreds of little moments. They have no real memory thoughts about past or future, they simply are in the present. It is useful to be present with a baby, observing and naming the immediate world around them, which is their present experience. Example "Your lying on the rug, it feels soft doesn't it, look at that light, and the shade. Feel the bark of this tree, it's rough, the sun is warm" etc. Or even just to be in contemplative and observant silence.
Its also very relevant to children. We cannot be with our children every second every minute, but when we are they deserve our full attention and emotional light. How else to give this but by being, really being, present?
A good way of interacting with younger children, especially if they are having emotional or behavioural difficulties is to set aside 15 mins of time every day, let them choose a game or toy and then focus wholly on the game. The idea is that they lead and you follow and comment on it, but no opinions, no questions, just let them be the focus. You might say something like "I see you've chosen the red car, ah now your putting it at the top of the ramp, down it goes. Now you have the blue one, also at the top, down it goes too, wheee". No comment, no evaluation, no questioning, just being. It make the child feel your emotional energy and works miracles.
Some say that the best spiritual practice are our relationships: children , partners, parents, colleagues. I couldn't agree more. It's all good being kind to strangers or the companions in your yoga class, but the people who are most difficult and also the most in need of our light are those closest to us. Many times the best thing we can do is give our attention, our emotional energy, really "see" and "hear" the person, let them be. Navigating these relationships with openness, respect and being spirituality present is key in one's journey, and to growth and enlightenment.
By 'chance' I discovered Louise L. Hay, and my eyes opened to the way that how we think and talk influences our world and our reality. I have also since been greatly influenced by Eckhart Tolle's work on living in the present, in the now.
I think that the skills and ideas proposed by both these teachers are very relevant to parenting. Spiritual practice with one's family and children is essential and the hardest and therefore most useful work. However, barring a small chapter in Tolle's second book, there is a definite lack of spiritual literature aimed at parents, a fact I find strange considering that the vast majority of adults are parents!
Affirmations, like Louise L. Hay talks about, are the perfect support for a difficult days parenting. Your child frustrates and annoys you, and instead of thinking "He's so annoying, he does this just to annoy me, I can't stand this, I am a terrible parent" (which just gets you more of the same), inside you affirm "All is well, all is working out for our higher good. I am a kind and loving parent, I am doing my best. All is well".
Affirmations can also be useful to deal with the negative feelings we all feel about our children. All parents think things like "I hate her, I just want to get away from her" in our darkest moments, but why create more negativity when you could replace those negative streams of thought with "This child is loved, I accept her just the way she is, all is well".
Living in the now, as Eckhart Tolle's books suggest, is also a very useful parenting skill. Babies live from moment to moment. Penelope Leach describes a babies day as a collection of hundreds of little moments. They have no real memory thoughts about past or future, they simply are in the present. It is useful to be present with a baby, observing and naming the immediate world around them, which is their present experience. Example "Your lying on the rug, it feels soft doesn't it, look at that light, and the shade. Feel the bark of this tree, it's rough, the sun is warm" etc. Or even just to be in contemplative and observant silence.
Its also very relevant to children. We cannot be with our children every second every minute, but when we are they deserve our full attention and emotional light. How else to give this but by being, really being, present?
A good way of interacting with younger children, especially if they are having emotional or behavioural difficulties is to set aside 15 mins of time every day, let them choose a game or toy and then focus wholly on the game. The idea is that they lead and you follow and comment on it, but no opinions, no questions, just let them be the focus. You might say something like "I see you've chosen the red car, ah now your putting it at the top of the ramp, down it goes. Now you have the blue one, also at the top, down it goes too, wheee". No comment, no evaluation, no questioning, just being. It make the child feel your emotional energy and works miracles.
Some say that the best spiritual practice are our relationships: children , partners, parents, colleagues. I couldn't agree more. It's all good being kind to strangers or the companions in your yoga class, but the people who are most difficult and also the most in need of our light are those closest to us. Many times the best thing we can do is give our attention, our emotional energy, really "see" and "hear" the person, let them be. Navigating these relationships with openness, respect and being spirituality present is key in one's journey, and to growth and enlightenment.
Monday, 7 November 2011
Practical in Pink
Hurrah for the anti-pink campaign. As it seems we live in a world where theonly way to get some common sense IN SPITE of advertisers and marketing people is to create campaigns against the things they do, they have my total support.
At the end of the day though, its all good and well talking about what toys we expose kids to, but the real decider is what they see around them... humans must be hardwired to know their sex faily early on and imitate accordingly most of the time. Most of the people we see driving cars and trains are men, most people pushing prams and cleaning are women. Y punto.
Apart from that I think we very subtly ascribe roles to them from early on... boys to be strong and active, girls to be more cautious as well as socially and emotionally responsive. Even the most "right on" parents do this, its totally subconcious. And of course not just parents but every single person that comes in contact with the baby and child... in the street, family, then teachers etc... "hola campeon", "hola princesa"...any wonder that by the time they are 4 most of them are gagging for a football strip or cindarella dress??
My last point is this though... I know I inwardly balk at girls with a baby and pram obsession, their little matching pink broom and mops... but I dont ridicule little boys with their elaborate train collections and garage full of scooters and bikes...it makes me realise that even I, a so called femenist and total supporter of raising your own kids and breastfeeding etc, probably still undervalue childcare and domestic work which is half the problem in the first place. Maybe the day that we see a girl, or boy, pushing a pram and we respect it as much as the train enthusiast or scooter racer, again girl or boy, next to them will we be on our way to equality.
So, fight pinkification we must, even if we do it wearing a touch of rose.
Refs: (http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2009/dec/12/pinkstinks-the-power-of-pink)(http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2011/may/09/pink-toys-girls-passive-princesses)
At the end of the day though, its all good and well talking about what toys we expose kids to, but the real decider is what they see around them... humans must be hardwired to know their sex faily early on and imitate accordingly most of the time. Most of the people we see driving cars and trains are men, most people pushing prams and cleaning are women. Y punto.
Apart from that I think we very subtly ascribe roles to them from early on... boys to be strong and active, girls to be more cautious as well as socially and emotionally responsive. Even the most "right on" parents do this, its totally subconcious. And of course not just parents but every single person that comes in contact with the baby and child... in the street, family, then teachers etc... "hola campeon", "hola princesa"...any wonder that by the time they are 4 most of them are gagging for a football strip or cindarella dress??
My last point is this though... I know I inwardly balk at girls with a baby and pram obsession, their little matching pink broom and mops... but I dont ridicule little boys with their elaborate train collections and garage full of scooters and bikes...it makes me realise that even I, a so called femenist and total supporter of raising your own kids and breastfeeding etc, probably still undervalue childcare and domestic work which is half the problem in the first place. Maybe the day that we see a girl, or boy, pushing a pram and we respect it as much as the train enthusiast or scooter racer, again girl or boy, next to them will we be on our way to equality.
So, fight pinkification we must, even if we do it wearing a touch of rose.
Refs: (http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2009/dec/12/pinkstinks-the-power-of-pink)(http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2011/may/09/pink-toys-girls-passive-princesses)
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